If Marie Kondo has supposedly given up, what does that mean for the rest of us? There was a burst of mainstream press this week about Marie Kondo’s changing priorities and “kind of giving up” on tidying after having three children. I received various links from friends and clients who know I love so much about Marie Kondo’s tidying philosophy. This topic also came up with the two clients I had in-home sessions with so far this week. Both saw the news and incidentally, both happen to have three children! Might this be discouraging? Here I provide some context to these headlines. As someone who has read all the books, seen the shows, certified in her Konmari® Method, spent 1000+ hours working with clients to “Marie Kondo” their homes, you get my drift, I find this particular press explosion fascinating. Topics include parenthood, tidying and the patriarchy.

So what are these Marie Kondo headlines?

A slew of mainstream press reported that Marie said in a recent webinar that she has “kind of given up” on tidying after having three children. The Guardian leads with: “Queen Of Clean Marie Kondo Says She ``Has ‘Kind Of Given Up’ On Tidying At Home; Decluttering Guru Reveals Birth Of Third Child Has Changed Priorities.” Huffpost alerts us "Marie Kondo Admits Her Home’s A Mess Now ― And That Sparks Joy, Too”. My personal favourite has to be the Onion’s tongue-in-cheek “Relaxed Marie Kondo Now Says She Perfectly Happy Living In Waist-High Sewage”. Nicely played.

Is there something new here?

Yes and no. Yes, in the sense that Marie is increasingly open about her life experience of raising small people (unsurprisingly a game changer!) since her original bestselling books catapulted her into the limelight before she was a mother. But no, her recent comments (behind these clickbait headlines) embody the philosophy of asking oneself “does this spark joy?” and letting go with gratitude. Her original KonMari® Method was never about perfection or minimalism. This point is explicit in Marie’s latest book ‘Kurashi At Home’ and was discussed with humility and humour in her interview I attended in November. In fact, after meeting Marie in London, one of the observations I posted on my instagram was her realism as a parent. She wrote her first two bestsellers pre-kids and said plainly on stage last November with a wry smile, now I have three children! She talked about finding joy in spending time with her children and letting things get messier for longer. Some routines became untenable. I for one relate to this! The message was that it is more than ok to let some things slide.

Does Marie’s admission diminish the value of the KonMari® Method when decluttering and organising our homes? With my clients I often use the analogy of a game of Tetris: When you feel confident that you have the skills to sort sh** out when you choose to, it can be necessary and/or satisfying to let the mess build up. Just like letting the Tetris screen fill up to a level you know you can cope with. Most home organisers argue daily mess is not stress-inducing when items have allocated homes you know they can go back to eventually. However, if you become increasingly stressed and overwhelmed because the mess reaches an unmanageable point, items do not have a place to be put away, and there are no systems in place, then it may become a bigger drag on daily life. When letting it slide is no longer serving you, that is when sorting out your space becomes a bigger priority. I experience this ebb and flow in my own home and life. Does this resonate with you?

I count myself lucky to have discovered Marie Kondo’s books before having children. Now, in our London flat with a 5 year old and 2 year old, I believe less clutter and practical system enable me to embrace the chaos of parenthood (because chaos it often is!) with more joy and ease than I otherwise would. Mornings are like a gladiator obstacle course, as we often lay out school bags, shoes, coats, snacks, cereal bowls the night before - all sorts of prep I would not have fathomed before having my second child. I feel better when I have a bit less stuff to look after and items (at least usually) have a clear home. Yet we still rush out of the door for school/nursery and it is not exactly leisurely and meltdown-free! Many of my clients are parents and part of the work we do together is figuring out organisational systems that are realistic, practical and joyful for them personally. For those that come to me saying they or their partner are aggravated by mess and disorder, the process may involve letting go of perfection in aspects of family life whilst making positive changes.

Can anyone else relate to parts of what Marie shares? I for one appreciate that she is open about the struggle. From page 27-28 of ‘Kurashi At Home’:

“After our first child was born, I initially strove to be a mother who could balance childrearing, homemaking, and work with ease. Instead, I ended up exhausted. As a tidying professional, I sometimes pressure myself with expectations that my house should always be in order. At times like these, however, I have learned to pause and remind myself to let go of perfection.

If you find you’ve run out of time or emotional space, I recommend letting go of something. The trick is to decide what your bottom line is on any given day. In my case, it’s that my children are healthy and happy and that I don’t get worn out. If the toys are scattered about but I’m too tired to deal with them right then, I remind myself that it’s okay to go to bed without putting them away. Conversely, if the mess has gone on so long it’s starting to bother me, I rearrange my schedule and set aside a day to put things back in order.”

Since I became a tidying professional with exposure in my local community, there have been moments: A school parent is picking up their child from a playdate at ours or I have friends coming round. The flat looks a mess and not "on brand”! But perhaps this is “on brand” after all, if such a thing exists, for Organised Joy. I always talk about things being easy-to-tidy and aligned with what brings you joy not striving for a Pinterest perfect home! If I have felt pressure to look the part for even a second, I wonder how global icon and businesswoman Marie Kondo might feel, with the media imagery of her life so immaculate. Not a hair out of place! Her revolutionary approach to tidying speaks to so many people, but like any books, they were the product of a specific time in her life, in this case pre-kids. I believe we each take from the KonMari® Method what we want and need, and leave what does not work for us.

But can we all breathe a sigh of relief now?

Reading these articles, I sense a “phew, she’s not perfect” reaction. A sense of relatability, relief, mocking or sheer delight. Many people will have felt more pressure to declutter since Marie Kondo brought the so-called “life-changing magic of tidying” firmly into the zeitgeist. I think it is natural for anyone feeling annoyance or disappointment when decluttering becoming a hot topic to also feel relief that it was supposedly unattainable all along. Indeed, excessive pressure (and the accompanying imagery we are all bombarded with) to have a perfectly organised home, look better, parent better, live better, you name it, is exhausting, and arguably more for women than men! Worse is the allusion our worth is defined by how productive or organised we, or our homes, are.

But anyone who reads and embraces the KonMari® Method will know it is not as perfectionist as countless memes, jokes and Netflix/instagram imagery might suggest. I applaud Marie Kondo for highlighting her changing priorities as a successful business icon in the public eye. Maybe when she wrote her first book, it was a priority to empty out her handbag each evening (I never embraced that practice myself) and put every item in her home back in its rightful place before bed. Shock horror, things have changed three children later.

I’m glad we live in a world where we can joke. I find it funny to see bookstagrammers memes of Marie Kondo telling them thirty books is the max to own when they have 30+ on their bedside table alone. I too own a lot of books! Of course, anyone who has actually read Marie Kondo’s words know she did not say there is an ideal number of books to own. Nor is she making a judgement on sparks joy for us. For her, at the time of writing, she found that owning about thirty books sparked joy for her personally. Cue the clickbait/insta/meme/tweet mocking headlines regarding Marie’s brutality towards books… and I await memes about too many kids to maintain a tidy home! It sounds like Marie Kondo’s life and home are messier by her previous (super high) standards, but it’s unlikely, as the Onion so well jests, that she is now happily living in waist high sewage. Clutter and mess are notoriously subjective.

Through the wider lens of women in the press and society at large

A few clients and fellow KonMari consultants have felt a little disheartened at the trope of a woman who has “given up” after having children. The headlines allude that sacrificing standards may be part of motherhood. That is why it is important to focus on the broader message of joy, gratitude and intentional focus that Marie Kondo is making here. The popularity of this story is a symptom of our culture that says a “women can have it all” in career and home goalposts that consistently fail to empower women. Many mothers and fathers find their priorities shift but perhaps men experience this pressure differently. Would we be quite as intrigued if, say, Joe Wicks eased off his exercise programs or if any public male figure changed their behaviour after becoming a father? The press love to document perceived failures of successful men and women. But I would argue that when a phenomenally successful global female icon admits to these post-baby changes, we cannot help but click to read. We want to understand how these superwomen can embrace their full work and personal selves, in a way we don’t obsess over with men. Just think about some of the shockingly patronising headlines when Jacinda Ardern recently resigned as New Zealand’s PM. And so the algorithm multiplies the effect. Every publication churns out a sensational headline about this breaking story. Why? Perhaps we are always looking for proof. Proof that the struggle is real for every single high profile woman up on a pedestal in a patriarchal world.