Celebrating your child’s birthday with less clutter

My elder daughter recently turned five. Throughout the entire year, not a week passes without excitable mentions of her birthday! I’m going to explain how we handle gifting as we enter primary school birthday party season minus a mountain of potential clutter. Our approach this year was quite different to last year when she turned four. I am a professional organiser and help my clients combat toy overwhelm in their homes. Yet as a parent of two young girls, I am also constantly learning myself! If you dread making space for an influx of gifts, feel gifting is out of your control, or would like some practical tips to manage what you think is excessive, please read on.

1 - Set your intention

What do you want family birthdays and gifting to look and feel like? What feels joyful? What feels excessive? A little intention goes a long way. Last year, when my daughter turned four, we hosted our first ever children’s party in a church hall. You may know the drill. We received thirty or so wonderful gifts from friends in addition to gifts from close relatives, which was plenty in itself! The party and subsequent present opening over a couple of days was great fun and we all felt very grateful. Yet, after a point, the excitement levels cannot increase. You may have also experienced that there are only so many crafts, toys and books a child can engage with. We decluttered books and toys to make room for new things, we kept extra crafts and colouring books to rotate in later, we gifted or donated duplicates. Whilst my younger daughter might also get this “mountain of presents experience” once, my intention was to simplify my elder’s birthday party this year. In practice, for us, that included a family Pizza Express lunch, school class “mermaid” party, cupcakes at school and far less presents! But how could we limit the presents?

2 - Choose your own gift

Do you feel children’s party clutter is an inevitable part of parenting? It might feel that way in your school class or social circle, but we have a lot of “socially acceptable” control. The most obvious place to start, fully within your control, is the gift you give! I know how easy it is to start off with one idea and before you know it, you’ve bought more than you planned to make the day extra special and beat their expectations. In our case, we gifted one mini playground set (to add to a much-loved dolls house from Santa!), mermaid costume to wear for the party, and five books by favourite authors and illustrators.

3 - Set your guidance for party gifting

We wanted to reduce the present mountain but we still wanted to invite my daughter’s class of 24 children to celebrate. Giving out party bags was a non-negotiable for us in this instance (I’m sorry parents if you rightly could live without mermaid-themed teeny things or another set of crayons) but there is nothing (NOTHING) my daughter loves more than receiving or giving a party bag. Party bags and cake have the main stage. Gifting was discussed in our class WhatsApp chat (can you guess which parent broached the topic?) as it became clear we would have a lot of parties through the academic year. Ideas:

The class presents truce: One idea was shared by a Instagram follower when I mentioned our present mountain last year. The parents in the school class agreed to a gift truce through the years of primary school. Everyone gifted the birthday child £10 in theory but no money ever changed hands. This tended to be easier (no choosing, buying, wrapping) and cheaper for parents. Then the parents of the birthday child could purchase one big gift or a set of smaller gifts “from the whole class". As a result, more effort went into writing or making birthday cards to give to the birthday child. However, a truce only works if unanimous amongst parents and it is common to have a class party of some sort.

Contribution towards a larger gift or charity donation: In my daughter’s class this year, some parents have been happy to receive physical gifts. Others give a link to voluntary contributions to a big present, experience or charity donation. We decided to do this too via https://www.kindergifts.co.uk/ with a percentage going to a charity of our choice. You can use this easy site to set up an invitation/RSVP/contribution link in one place. You can ask for contributions towards a specific gift or trip, adding the image to make it more tangible, or just leave it unknown. In previous years, I’ve been invited to parties where parents of older children gave a JustGiving charity donation link. Food for thought. If it is 100% charity request, I personally am tempted to buy a small gift in addition (I know the joy of gift giving is real too!) unless advised not to. Still the volume must be more manageable.

Once the taboo is broken, it empowers every parent to choose. If it is a cultural norm for everyone (or some) to turn up with a conventional gift, it can be awkward to be the first to suggest otherwise. We had the advantage of not going first but I did broach the topic months ago with other parents. Simply having a chat or asking parents with older children if they provided some gift guidance in the past makes it crystal clear you would never judge anyone for it! Or you can be the first to experiment with it. You might be surprised that some parents will appreciate one less thing on their to-buy list, particularly in early years of primary school, where there is a birthday party most weekends. Think of the collective time and energy freed up in addition to potentially supporting a good cause.

More focus on cards from friends this year, many of which were handmade

4 - Communicate with close family and friends

Can you communicate gift boundaries to your nearest and dearest gift-givers? We are part of a big South Asian family and our children are the first grandchildren on both sides. It has been a learning curve for us when it comes to the #firstworldproblem of handling a big volume of gifts and toy overwhelm, as it is for many of my clients. There is plenty of room for magic and surprise, arguably more, without excess, however you define it. We reiterate a one-present rule for Christmas and birthdays from both sides of our family. You might find, like us, some relatives love to ask for gift ideas, whilst others continue to express their love with large and plentiful gifts. It is an ongoing process! Communicating, reiterating and reinforcing the “keep it simple” message may not work immediately but it has an impact over time.

My advice is to explain your feelings and express gratitude rather than risk being critical. In our case, a few grandparent gifts are destined to stay in their homes for our children to play with. Because we are all on the same page, it works. I remind them the girls are creatively playing without a need for lots more (which the grandparents see first hand) and that it would be a shame to declutter perfectly nice things from our limited space so often. I’m sensitive to the fact that my parents and in-laws may relish the opportunity to give more to their grandchildren than they did to their own children when they were building a new lives in a foreign land. When my mother-in-law gets cuddly toys at the funfair for her grandchildren, I know it's about more than that. As any professional organiser will tell you, it is rarely just about material things, rather what they represent! On the flip side, our girls have the luxury of seeing grandparents more frequently than I did. Every family is different. Generational mindsets vary. Each of us has our unique ways of showing love and expressing ourselves. Something I value more since becoming a parent myself, is the importance of celebrating with our families at every opportunity. Quality time and presence over presents is hard to get overly offended by. I’ll have to appreciate the comedy/tragedy in all its glory when my daughters become teenagers and want more presents, less presence mum!

Every birthday gift my daughter received in one place, except a pair of matching dresses for both sisters (scroll down for those). This still looks like plenty but is a tiny fraction compared to last year and books are easy to store. Simpler yet joyful.

5 - Have a party supplies zone

Each year we get balloons and cake but re-use the Happy Birthday sign, party hats and various party decor. The cloth bunting first purchased for my baby shower was re-used for that very baby’s fifth birthday. This is easy because there is a small designated party supplies zone in a high-up kitchen cupboard. A shelf and a couple of old biscuit tins is the home for our party decorations, extra napkins, paper plates, straws, candles, party hats, birthday badges etc. This zone, which is fun to implement in most client homes, saves time and money but also helps layer memories upon any bits you take out year after year.

Our small party supplies zone is ready for us whenever we need!

6 - Stick to your guns

Whenever I discuss gifting on my instagram, I am reminded by some of my followers that older children may be more fixated on stuff. It becomes harder to curb excess without disappointing them. They will be more influenced by their peer group. I am sharing what I’m learning in our family, with two daughters aged five and two, and this will evolve in ways I don’t know personally. I did wonder whether my 5-year-old daughter would comment about the lack of gifts at her party, because she remembers exactly who got her what the previous year and says what she thinks (like most 5-year-olds I suspect!) Amazingly no. I explained we got contributions towards something we can buy in the future and we donated money to a charity that she helped pick. She was enthralled by her mermaid costume, cake, balloons, and celebrating with her friends and family. She also admired and read each card from her classmates. Cards do not get a second glance when there are presents waiting to opened!

More importantly, if my 5-year-old had been a little disappointed, it would be no bad thing in my eyes. My girls have a very comfortable upbringing as it is. Not every year can be more bountiful than the last. Just think of Dudley Dursley in Harry Potter fuming because he had fewer presents than the previous year. A terrifying image! I hope to encourage my daughters’ excitement and joy independent of shiny new things. As I have become increasingly aware of the environmental and mental footprint of constantly consuming and decluttering, I have slowed my own buying habits significantly in recent years.

Don’t get me wrong, the girls are five and two. They ask for things all the bloody time, from the mundane to the ludicrous. They might fill our home with cartoon-themed tat to the brim, which they’d proceed to grow out of quickly, if they ran the show. So thankfully my girls do not expect to get what they want ASAP. Unlike me, who can be miffed when something is not available on Amazon Prime when I need it! :) I try my best to pass on a sense of gratitude and focus more on the experience of playing or doing than amassing things. We can read whatever we like from the library each week for example. I see it reflected in my 5-year-old impersonator who recently said “aren’t we lucky we have a library a few minutes away?” It makes it all the more rewarding to give them something they like. Some children have more, some far less. The point is we can move towards what feels right for us, so please don’t let society tell you otherwise.

My 5-year-old is now well versed in making space and happily deciding which items to say goodbye to, because she has grown up with the Marie Kondo approach for better or worse! It’s still a bit early for my 2-year-old who is in the funniest, often volatile toddler stage. Since working with several of my clients’ children of different ages, it is amazing to see how they embrace decision-making from a place of joy with a little encouragement, often more readily than adults. But even as we declutter, we adults must continue to ask ourselves: does our pace of acquiring things suit us? We are always allowed to adjust the pace.

Matching dresses from our close family friend

if you take one message away from this blog post, please let it be that you get to decide what is right for you and your family. And that will look different for each for us.

If you are interested in decluttering, organising and tidying with children, check out my FREE PDF printable guide.